How the Decepticons Stole Christmas
(With Apologies to Dr. Seuss)
Millions of humans liked Christmas a lot...
But Megatron, Decepticon leader, did NOT.
It was quite revolting, the whole Christmas cheer.
Don't ask why it bothered him so much this year.
It could have been Autobots wrecking his plannin',
Or maybe the weight of his arm-mounted cannon.
But the main reason for it, more likely than not,
Was that Christmas lights wasted the power he sought.
In any event, he hated humanity,
Who, on Christmas Eve, demonstrated insanity.
He watched them remotely from his secret base,
A sour Decepticon frown on his face.
For he knew that the humans, all over the globe,
Had billions of lights strung. Some that could strobe,
Some that could twinkle, and some that could flash.
(To power these lights, they paid check or cash.)
They covered their houses, wrapped 'round them like vines.
Why, they even put lights on half-dead, chopped-down pines!
"Tomorrow is Christmas," he mused to himself,"
Soon, all of those lights will go back on a shelf."
Then he realized he needed a new plan, and fast.
"I must find a way to get Christmas to last!"
For tomorrow the humans, he knew, would make haste
To plug in their displays. (They had hideous taste.)
And then! Oh, the waste! Oh, such waste!
Waste! Waste! Waste!
That's one thing he hated! The WASTE!
WASTE! WASTE! WASTE!
Alas, if Decepticons dared interfere,
The Autobots, the "heroes," they soon would be here.
And they'd fight! And they'd fight! And they'd FIGHT!
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
They would fight for the humans, protecting their rights.
They would defend the flesh creatures with all of their might.
And THEN they'd do something that just made no sense.
They'd join in the fun and they'd celebrate hence:
They'd jump and they'd frolic, and they'd trounce through the snow.
Wasting energon wherever they'd go.
They'd make snow angels that were suspiciously square.
They'd play with the humans like they hadn't a care.
They'd play. And they'd play. And they'd PLAY!
PLAY! PLAY! PLAY!
"Why, ever since '84 I've watched them waste fuel!"
"There MUST be a path to Decepticon rule!"
Then a thought dawned on him, a devious plan.
Too cunning for you to try to understand.
The lights needed power to light up, he mused.
Electrical power that HE could have used.
And the more Megatron thought of this friv'lous display,
The more he thought, "Yes, I must make Christmas STAY!"
After all, he'd heard, Christmas was a special season
Full of love and good will, for some bizarre reason.
Therefore, if Christmas was this powerful force
Then it was something he could harness, of course!
"This is my best plan yet!" Megatron said with a grin.
All the power the Christmas lights waste was a sin.
But if inside energon cubes it was saved,
The 'Cons could all use it on a rainy day.
To avoid being spotted while he siphoned away
All that power, he figured he'd show up by sleigh.
"All I need is a vehicle that can travel by snow."
Megatron looked 'round, but did he see one? Nope.
But that didn't stop him. Yes, there was still hope.
"If I can't find a sleigh, I'll just make MYSELF one!"
So he summoned the tapes, both Frenzy and Rumble.
"Transform to cassette mode!" he said as they grumbled.
Then he magnetized them, and as sure as you please,
Attached them to his boots, like big makeshift skis.
"To the Autobot base!" Meggy gave the command,
And sped through the night across the snow-covered land.
All the 'Bots were recharging, temporar'ly off-line
Which would give bad old Megatron plenty of time.
"This is the place," he declared at long last.
And he climbed up the side of the mountain quite fast.
Then he flew down the summit of the great volcano.
(Not entirely unlike a chimney, you know.)
He cut through the hull of the Autobot ship,
Then he flew right inside, so the alarm would not trip.
Into the Ark the Decepticons came.
Megatron saw the stockings with Autobot names.
Windcharger! Brawn! Sideswipe! Ironhide!
Inferno! Hoist! Cosmos! Powerglide!
He secured them all down, with permanent glue
And just for good measure, put a forcefield up, too.
Then he spotted some gifts wrapped in paper and bows
Using his x-ray vision to peer inside of those.
He saw mudflaps for Gears, and snow tires for Bluestreak,
Speakers for Jazz, and chrome polish for Sunstreaker.
If the lights had to stay, then the gifts would stay, too.
And Megatron already knew what to do.
He'd once made a copy of Wheeljack's immobilizer
When no one was looking, and were none the wiser.
He used this machine to freeze those gifts in their tracks!
Now they could never be moved, and never unwrapped!
Then he aimed a device, Vector Sigma's own key,
which emitted a glow that enveloped the tree.
The tree was now metal, and would last for millions
and millions of years. Perhaps even billions.
He had just done the same to the halls, decked with holly.
When he heard a small sound, like a whimpering collie.
He turned 'round and noticed a flesh creature just then.
He called himself Daniel, and he was about ten.
Danny was quite unafraid of the 'Con, and kept walking.
(He'd awakened to get a last peek at the stockings.)
He looked up at Megatron and said, "You're a bad guy!"
"Why are you in Autobot Headquarters? WHY?"
Now, Megatron already knew how to spin
A tall tale or two, so he put on a big grin.
"Why, you ridiculous flesh creature," Megatron sneered,
"It's just been announced Christmas should last all year!"
"So I'm spreading the word to make sure everyone knows."
"And as for your Christmas lights? No, don't take down those!"
The boy seemed confused, but without further prattle,
Megatron sent him to bed with a bottle and rattle.
And once the obnoxious young man-child was gone,
Megatron made his way to Teletraan One.
He programmed the computer, and fixed its hard drive
To a permanent date: December twenty-five.
"I don't get it," said Frenzy. "I mean, what's the point?"
"Yeah," chimed in Rumble, "Why'd we sneak into this joint?"
They just weren't the brightest troops who'd joined the team,
So Megatron patiently explained the scheme.
The Autobots had a world energy chip
That provided them power--a slow, steady drip.
And since there was no greater fuel source around,
This was the best place to turn things upside-down.
It was now Christmas day, thanks to the sunrise.
A day of regret for those 'Bots in disguise.
Off to their gifts they no doubt would scamper,
Unaware it was these with which Megatron tampered.
He'd altered their presents! The ribbons! The gifts!
Now it was time for them to hitch a lift.
Three thousand feet up the side of Mount St. Helens
They made their escape, the robotic felons.
"Just you wait, Autobots!" he said. "Yes, I'm so clever!"
"You'll quickly find out this day will last forever!"
"Your Christmas will never be over, you see."
"I'll harness the power and use it for me!"
"It will be eternal, like the glow of the moon."
"How ironic!" laughed Megs, "It will lead to your doom!"
So he waited for hours. But the very next day,
The Autobots put all of their décor away.
The radios stopped playing holiday tunes,
And stores replaced wreaths with big clearance balloons.
Wrapping and boxes filled up garbage cans.
He stared at the humans. Wait, this wasn't the plan!
In preparation for another cold winter's night,
Every flesh creature dutifully packed up their lights.
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from leaving! IT WENT!
Despite his best efforts, it had come to an end!
And Megatron stood there, his boots deep in snow.
He wondered how he had let Christmastime go.
"But there are still stockings! But there are still wreaths!"
"But there are still cut-down and half dried up trees!"
He crumpled his eyebrows and balled up his fists.
There must have been something that Megatron missed.
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "isn't a calendar date?"
"There's some other reason that they celebrate."
And what happened then? Well, needless to say,
Megatron's rage grew three sizes that day!
And the minute he gave up his brilliant scam,
He called the retreat, but came up with new plans.
As he flew off into the night and disappeared,
He, HE HIMSELF, set his sights on New Year's!
NEXT UP… RETCON!
2 weeks ago